Thursday, January 26, 2012

NAGEEMOTE LANG?

I am turning 30 this year. I know. I am. I am not denying it. But deep inside, there's this voice that keeps on saying that "age is just a number." True naman. In fact, I don't feel I'm turning 30. For me, parang bumabata pa nga ako. Echos lang. 

I am the kind of person who sometimes (sometimes lang naman) who over analyze things, especially when it concerns my being. And just last night, sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na kadahilanan, I suddenly felt a certain rush of sadness. Point it to homesickness or whatever, but I just felt alone and yes, a bit sad.

I am happy with what I've had over the past years. I have a very supportive family. I have lots of friends who are always there to cheer me up. Perhaps, yesterday was just one of those emotero days na kailangan kong mag-emote at para ma-feel ang pagkatao ko.

I have many things to be thankful in my life. I have a good paying job which helps me to save and invest. I have (as I just mentioned) a very loving and caring family. And yes, there are my friends who never fail to send likes and comments to trash my blues away. Yet, despite these, I feel (sometimes) alone - literally and figuratively.

Literally, I live alone. I've been living alone in Brunei for more than 3 years now. I don't have my family with me. Although I've been staying with my officemates in one big staff house, still, having your real family beside you sets the big difference. It's with your real family that you get genuine comfort and guidance. And with your family, you can find real love.


On  a positive side, I've made a lot of friends in Brunei. And I mean friends in different walks of life. That at least helps me to build strength and find joy in coping a life of living away from home.

Figuratively, I live alone. I am on my own. I can do whatever I want. I decide on, yes, my own. Dapat siguro, kumakanta na ako ng song na "On my Own" because of the solitude that I'm in.

Honestly, to live alone has its pros and cons. On a positive side, I become independent. On the cons side, it's sometimes nakakalungkot ng bongga. In my case, since I'm alone, I just go cook for myself, eat alone and watch a DVD. And during working hours, I also eat alone while reading a novel. Since there's not much sights to see here, people watching is not that enjoyable. Unlike in the Philippines,  the streets and mall's hallways works as fashion show runways and soap-opera themed set-ups.

Perhaps, it's just one of those days that you get to stop and reflect after being drowned in various activities. At the moment, I am really praying for guidance from God. I am thankful for the many blessings yet I am afraid to be trapped in a routine and just live in a deadwood.

I am really hoping to leave Brunei this year. Why? Because I want to live my life. I want to explore the world. And what do I mean by exploring the world?

I want to teach if an opportunity knocks. I want to be a professor of mass communication and media. This is the reason why I've been building my portfolio on creative media over the past years. It's also the same reason why I've been working so hard on my academic background to ensure that I'll be able to be competitive in teaching.

Isang tuyong lupa na ang aking opisina. Wala ng direksyon. Nakakalungkot. On the other hand, my life outside work is mas buhay na buhay pa. I get to host events. I get to write for some friends. And I get to work on academic papers which recently I presented in the Philippines. Sa totoo lang, uhaw ako sa interaksyon, ng pakatuto sa kapwa. 

I want to take another MA or PhD. I don't know but for some reason I don't get tired on learning new knowledge in the academe. For this, I am more inspired to produce more research papers and present in conferences. Hopefully, with God's guidance, I will be able to win a scholarship.

I want to travel. I want to experience different traditions and culture. With some crazy thoughts in mind, I want to venture into some random travel, alone or with someone. Been working so hard and deserve ko naman siguro na ambunan ang sarili ko ng bonggang travel?

I want to have someone who will appreciate and love me (maliban siempre sa pamilya and friends). And yes, I am talking about that four letter world that makes our hearts beat fast - LOVE! Ngayon ko lang narealize, ang dami ko palang "crushes" na sometimes I want to tell that person na "like kita." Okay, enough of this. A different blog entry should be made on this. hahaha! 

I'm not so sure how will my 2012 will turn out but I'm very positive that this year will be full of new experiences and I can't wait to unwrap each piece. And I'm (dapat) targeting that in 2013, I'll be somewhere and living my dream of either teaching or doing further studies.

Before 2013, I'll be home for December 2012. It's a must. Enough of Paskong balot ng pageemote. It's time to find happiness.

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