Wednesday, April 18, 2012

CONFUSING EH!

Once in a while, I prefer to be alone. There is something about solitude that strengthens my spirit. That whenever I'm alone, I get to reflect on things about my life. But sometimes, I don't like shutting myself off to the world. I'd like company, even in an offline and online environment. This is what I need at the moment. Thanks to some dear friends, a simple SMS cuts the emotional baggage.

Just this morning, I was seated on a bench on a covered pathway. I was actually waiting for our office assistant. He sent me and was about to pick me up. And as I was waiting, the rain poured heavily. In that moment, I calmly enjoyed the dancing rain on the ground. With the greens that swayed with the wind, my mind bent over on where would I be on the next few months. Truth be told, I'm at the crossroad of my life. It's like I'm in the middle of intersection. The road, like an opportunity, is widely opened and inviting. I just don't know where to walk in.

The moment the rain stopped, I got back my composure. After receiving some text messages from my dear friends, I realized to understand the word "surrender." Yes, may HIS will be done. I am letting go of this confusion.

So what really confuses me?



I don't where I'm heading right now. I have a good paying job, something's rewarding to let me save and invest on some stuff. The last time I check on my savings, I told myself that I deserve to reward myself especially that I'm graduating. On the side, I have a supportive family and a bunch of open-minded friends. Also, despite homesickness and idle times, I am very comfortable with my life right now; my work is not stressful and for the past years, I've managed to finish my Masters in Development Communication at UP Open University. With this, my life seems to be moving forward.

But here's the thing. Where am I heading? I've got my Masters, which I've always dreamed of. Inspired by my friends who are in the academe, I also want to be a professor someday. I know that I can share and teach a host of ideas, knowledge and creativity. Given this drive, I am also hoping to get a PhD soon. Everything seems clear. The a question bites me, is that what I really want? Uhm, yes. Then, with a dash of holding back, here comes an a twist.

As of this morning, I had a panayam. I won't go into the details but a new opportunity is being offered to me from a kabila't ibang kompanya.

When I was in the panayam, I knew in my heart that I was ecstatic about it. However, at the back of my mind, a string of anxiety was rolling out. But what's positive, whatever the result of the panayam, I will be very open to accept it. It now all depends on the offer, processing and all the paperworks.

Perhaps you may say, oh, paano ang PhD? I will still go for that. I'm still waiting for feedback with Universities that I applied for. However, there are things that are holding me back.

Am I good enough for a PhD? Am I ready? Believe it or not, I'm also afraid. As I see it, PhD-ing is more appropriate for individuals who have excellent research and academic record. Yes, I can confidently say that I have "the academic" advantage as I performed well in my Bachelors and Masters degree. However, when it comes to the "research" field, which is more reviewed especially if you're applying for a scholarship, I don't think I have enough to be competitive with. I work in the media industry and my portfolio is packed with scripts, advertising and creative concepts. Then again, as a very positive person, I'm hoping that I'll get through the evaluation and win a scholarship for a PhD. My edge is that I have the spirit and skill to undertake my study on new media, migration and the virtual world.

It's not easy to qualify for a PhD unless you have an excellent record. In my case, I'm not even close to enjoying a breeze of praises with my CV. In fact, some Universities were very interested about my research as it's new, innovative and interesting. However, when it comes to looking at my research portfolio, I don't qualify in the offered scholarship. Some universities told me that as much as they can accommodate my research, scholarships are highly competitive and are merit based. With this, I sometimes wonder, If I'd chosen to become a professor the moment I graduated in college and had produced tons of published research work, perhaps qualifying for a PhD and getting a scholarship would be easy as pouring a hot water in a 3-in-1 instant coffee? I guess, it won't be that ease as well. To achieve one's dream, one must put a hundred percent and colossal effort. Meanwhile, I'm not losing hope. I know, one day, I'll be in for what I'm aiming for.

I have no regrets on the career path that I've chosen. I love working in the media industry. The realization started when I worked in ABS-CBN. With creative writing and broadcast production, I delved on adrenaline rush, wit and spontaneity especially on live and interactive shows. And with this learning and skill, I am here in Brunei Darussalam. Meanwhile, what's more amazing, with my exposure and experience in the industry, I've managed to complete my masters.

Then what's confusing me? To cut the story short, yes, it's work vs. PhD. Work is saying hello to me. And yes, PhD, I'm relying on signs. That as each day passes by, I search for signs. I even doubled my prayers to clarify things. But if great things come along, who am I to say no? But between the two, which should I go for?

Some of my friends told me to learn the art of "surrendering." In my understanding, is it about letting go and going with the flow. But then I'm apprehensive. What if I got bored? what if I eventually realized that I liked the other? What if? What? What if's are bugging me. Although I know that life is about taking risks, I guess, to seek for God's guidance would somehow help me. Ang saya saya, ang gulo gulo. Oh well, that's life.

How do I see myself five years from now? Sounds familiar! With what happened today or would be happening within the week, I really can't tell. All I know is, I'm gonna be find tranquility at the end of this whirlwind. I just have to be patient. And yes, storm the heaven with prayers.

Makapag-exercise na nga and better stop the draining thoughts in my mind.

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